Narcissistic Husband's Caprice meets Wife's Balanced Attitude

Sometimes a reader writes in a reasonably readable query, with not too many spelling mistakes. This is one such query. Such queries are easier to answer. The writer also displays clear thinking. It is sad that such a productive member of society is having to face such problems.

This lady is going through a situation which is familiar to most readers. She is being mistreated by the man she loves, viz. her husband. She can either torture him and herself through the legal system, or bring him to his senses. If such victims lose reason, they can do extreme things like harming the oppressor or themselves seriously. Another option for her is to leave her husband.

My case is in the CAW cell, xyz city. The details are as under:
- Married on 12th March 20xx (love cum arrange marriage; x years of affair(sic))
- Use to have normal husband-wife squabbles, nothing serious
- Husband has a temper problem and so in fit of anger had attempted to drop me at my parents place 3 times (if fight broke while we were on our way to someplace he would turn the car and take me to my parents home instead)

- Had an argument over something on the xxth August and he snatched the house keys from me and pushed me out of the house. Since I was leaving for office at that time I did not make much fuss over it and left. Received a message from him to come over to his uncle's residence for rakhi lunch and I obliged thinking he would say sorry and ask me to return home. Instead he did not speak to me there and ignored me. I did not say a word about the morning incident to anyone in the house as I thought no point making things public. I came to my parents home after that. He called me that day few times but because I was hurt and angry I did not take his calls. The next day he called me I told him to come to my parents place and we can talk there as they knew about everything that had been going on. He never turned up.

-xxth October he calls my dad and says his parents wants to talk to him. My parents went to our matrimonial home (a rented accommodation in a good locality where I was living with my husband and his sisters while his parents used to often come visit us from their hometown in Haryana) he had 7 of his relatives present who humiliated my parents and spoke ill about me. it was decided there that my husband and I will sort the matters on our own as it was our decision to marry.

-Husband does not call so i contact him but does not pick call.

-I call him again and he does not respond and instead send a message on 7th September that he has decided this relation will not work. i call him but he does not pick phone. I send him messages to get over his anger and let things be and come forward to talk but he does not respond. I ask him to give me house keys, he does not respond. On 20th just once he says someone will hand over the house keys to me so I go to my home where again a few of his relatives are present. They coax me into not taking much stuff and can come back when my husband comes. I ask them to give me the house keys but they make excuses.

-I try reach my husband through phones and messages again but he does not respond. I finally on xxth manage to meet him but he shouts and leaves. I ask him for house keys and he makes an excuse.

- On xxth i again message him for house keys and he tells him he is busy but when I again call him at night he sends a message saying the house lease had expired on 30th itself so he had to vacate the house which he did.
Basically ran away with everything without informing me or any of my family about the house lease thing! All this while even his family did not contact us and even though we tried talking to them, no one came forward.

- Despite repeated messages and emails (asking him to come back and not take decisions in haste) and phone calls over a period of 2 months and not receiving any reply, I finally put a complaint in CAW cell.

- I have had 4 sessions in CAW cell and now he says he will not take me home. He has no specific reasons for it but just make baseless excuses like cultural difference etc., which I have very countered by saying that we have had x years of affair(sic) before marriage and if there were any difference in culture he felt he should not have coaxed me into marrying him knowing well the kind of background he comes from (conservative xyz caste family). I have been adjusting well to his family all this while and so he comes up with some insipid excuse or the other. Even though I have tried hard to make him see some sense and tell him I want to go back, he refuses to take me home.

- The IO says he is not able to see any issue between us apart from the adamant and immature nature of the husband. We have been referred to the Mediation Cell now and have a meeting on xxth jan.

Kindly tell me what should I do about my situation. I love my husband a lot and do not want to divorce him. He says if I agree for MCD he is ok otherwise he is in no mood to contest it and ok with living this way. I had approached CAW with complaint against Domestic Violence and do not wish to press any Dowry charges against him. What should be my method to save this marriage?

PS: Post vacating the house my husband is very well staying in Delhi while in one mail he wrote that he is leaving everything behind and going back to his hometown in Haryana. He has two established businesses here and is staying with an uncle of his with whom he lived prior to our marriage. Strangely none of his family since the incident has tried any reconciliatory step despite us trying hard for it.

I just do not know what to do as all I want is my house back and my right to live with my husband. He can't just throw me out and then walk away one fine day and then say we can't live (together)! Is there no way an aggrieved person like me do anything about this relation where I am being forced for divorce wherein I did not marry him to be treated like this? How can he just refuse to take me home just like that? Will filing a DV suit against him help me in any way and what justice can I get in case I go for the case? One thing is for sure that I do not want to divorce him.

Can he initiate divorce proceedings against me? What grounds can he seek in that case? Would not doing anything post closure of the CAW proceedings (be) a better option or will it give him grounds to put cases against me? As I have stated that I do not wish to lodge any false Dowry complaint against him...

He now says he earns just 12k a month while the rented accommodation alone was for 27k apart from other house expenses which were being borne by him. Though I was taking care of everyday expense. He has one fashion franchise and also a consultancy firm in xyz centre which he is running in partnership with 2 more people. He has done B. A. Political Science (hons) while I am M.A. in English Literature and a BBA and earning xyz as a journalist with a media group.

Ridhima Chandrashekharan


This is a very long story. I personally feel that it is not okay to marry somebody who you have known so well, and then to kick them out, You can read the article about Arundhati Roy. Other articles on the website might also be useful. A false complaint is a dirty thing, you are correct in not filing one.

Manish Udar

This is just to give a background of what has transpired.
I need to know what solutions can I seek in my case? What can be done about my situation? True, there is nothing I want to do as far as 498A is concerned as that is not the thing in my case. But the treatment meted out to me is gross. Is filing a DV case an appropriate step?

Seriously speaking, I want an amicable settlement of the thing but when the other side is too adamant and egoistic is there is nothing I can do? Is marriage only meant for guys? Are they the one who can solely take the decision whether to keep their partner or not? Do women have no say in such cases?

Your guidance shall be of great help.



Narcissism is widespread today. Read the article about typical wives. It is equally applicable to husbands. Narcissists do not understand the language of love, decency or politeness.

I am sure that there are many options in the law for your situation. I have not studied DV Act in detail, but there is a provision for maintenance and another for accommodation in it.

If there is sufficient pressure on a party, it may begin to see the light of reason and seek psychiatric diagnosis and treatment, which is the correct remedy for matrimonial friction in my view.

Manish Udar

Thanks. The counselling in the CAW cell has not helped, so we have been directed to the Mediation Cell now. Hope that he is able to make him understand that ego can really play havoc in one's life if not put aside at the right time. Sadly, his ego play has put my life and future in dire straits too and this he is unable to understand.


Published by Manish Udar

Page created on
Last updated on 09th January 2014
comments powered by Disqus