An NRI Intellectual Husband develops Cold Feet, causing an Untenable Situation
Sometimes people in our country say that it is not good to be too highly educated. Here is the case of an NRI intellectual who has developed a lot of baseless fears due to too much thinking.
Dear Mr. Udar,
first of all I apologise for sending you an e-mail like this, given that you don't know me. I found your email-id from mehnat.in and I'm not a Lawyer. I am Vijender and am about to get married to an Indian girl from Pune. Due to work purposes, I came to Argentina for some time.
It is an arranged marriage and we got to know each other via a sister of mine about a year ago. But since I was in Argentina we first met in January '14 for a day in front of the families and then I came back here. We maintain telephonic and mobile contacts till today.
I flew 3 weeks before the engagement and court marriage. It was August this year when we got engaged and also sign the court paper with the help of a marriage registrar in Bhopal. Since I'm from Bhopal, everything took place there. Having the court marriage before the social marriage was my idea which I now regret but I thought this would help her to apply for the visa and after the social marriage in December I can bring her here.
After the court marriage I stayed for another two weeks in India where we spent some time together and then I am back here again. I'm not sure what should be categorised as physicality? but we didn't reach an extreme point of physical relation as We both want to wait until the social marriage gets done and we hardly had any privacy.
Now in the meantime I'm seeing a huge change in the girl's behaviour and she fights with me quite often on very little things which is making me mentally depressed and I find it difficult to concentrate on work or anything. I am fearing that may be this will continue after the marriage as well and it might lead to a point where except for getting divorce I would have no other option left. I would like to know if there is any way to prepare a prenuptial now (before social/Hindu marriage)? so that if anything like that happens, I wouldn't end up losing my life long savings after divorce.
During our last conversations, I realised that she also has suicidal tendencies and since she gets angry really quick, I just would like to know if there is anything or any document that I can prepare which can save me if she takes any such steps intentionally.
I love her a lot and since everyone used to say even from her family that I'm a very happy go lucky kind of person, I might be able to change their daughter's behaviour which they hid initially but the way my personal life has turned out, I'm certainly lost and don't know how to handle. Since we haven't even lived together, I might be thinking too much.
Please suggest what should I do. Should I divorce her or should I continue this marriage ? I want to continue this marriage but is there anything that I can do to save me from loosing a chunk of money in case a divorce happens in the future? Also if I divorce her now, what are the chances of me paying alimony? She used to work for an MNC for a long time and has a good savings but recently quit her job due to marriage preparations but she has the potential and experience to get a job anytime she wants.
Dear Prof. Modi
If you have decided for marriage and have already married her then you should give the marriage a chance. Refuse to take any gifts and do not give any gifts during the wedding function. Record this in writing with witnesses. Encourage her to apply for a job in Argentina if she is permitted by their laws to do so. Physical relations are very important and they can improve her attitude towards life and you. If you do these three things then you will have made a good beginning.
The fourth thing is to realise that you are going through cold feet, but legally and culturally you are in no position to go through cold feet. Be careful about your feelings and do not reject her in any way. Try to look at your mrs. as a person who will provide company and emotional and physical pleasure to you. You have chosen the Indian way, try to make it work before you even start to think about giving up. If all this ends in a divorce, it will be better for you and for her if she has her own job in Argentina, which is one of the major attractions for a woman in her position.
I will think more about this and see if I can add to this answer and then I will put up this query on the website as it can be very useful for Indian men.
Dear Mr. Udar,
Thank you so much for your kind reply. I really appreciate it. I also realize that this might be a little too soon to call it off. Since we haven't lived together and at the same time this cold feet is something which we both are experiencing but since these quarrels and all taking my mental piece, I was sort of concerned off what if they continue in the future as well. I can not simply walk out of marriage, as you mentioned I'm doing in Indian way, therefore her parents, family and my parents, family are in some way saying emotional things and persuading me to believe that she will learn to control her anger but I'm slightly skeptical if that would at all happen.
I will follow the suggestions which you gave and will look forward to your e-mail if you have anything more to suggest.
I hope this marriage will be successful and I will try my best to make it one.
Dear Prof. Modi
Sure, no worries. I will anonymise it. You are married, get some fun out of it even if your skepticism is correct. Let her also get some fun out of it. Let me add that regular sex will probably cure her mental problems, and then you will have a happy life.