Self-Defeating Husband or Fraud Caller?

One night a reader wrote to me, asking when would be a suitable time to call me. I was awake so I wrote back telling him to call me then itself. He wrote back saying that he could not call me at that time because his wife was with him, and requested a chat. I agreed and we chatted.

The man said that he was facing problems in his married life. This was not surprising considering that he wanted to not talk in front of his wife, not to mention that almost all people who contact me do so because of marital problems. I asked him what sort of problems he was facing. He said straight away that his wife is extremely demanding in bed, and becomes very upset whenever he refuses to have sex with her. This was slightly surprising, and my thoughts immediately went in many directions. Why is this man telling an unknown single man in the middle of the night that he is not able to satisfy his wife sexually? Is he mentally normal? Does he have health issues? Have I become so important through this website that people are contacting me for unclear purposes at two in the morning (not likely)...?

I advised him to start visiting a gym. He said that he has no problem in performance, and that his wife also never complains about this part. This was too much personal information for me, and was slightly confusing in view of his initial remarks. I advised him to contact a sexologist, whereupon he reiterated his fitness claim. I said that such experts deal with a variety of problems and not just fitness related issues.

I learnt that he has a five year old daughter and an old and feeble mother who lives with his brother. He said that he wanted to know how he could deal with legal hurdles and avoid a possible 498a complaint from his wife in the event of his filing for divorce. I asked him if his wife was interested in any other man. He replied in the negative. I advised him to forget about his divorce fantasy and concentrate on providing his daughter with a good upbringing.

He became very upset and said that he does not see any future with this woman and said that I was judging him harshly. I told him that my only basis for judging him was the information provided by him. Honestly, if a woman loves to have physical relations with her husband and has given birth to his child and is bringing her up well, where is the need for divorce? He said that she is very cranky and loves to pick arguments. I did not see anything very serious in this. If a couple has an argument every day and makes up in bed every night, it is not a serious enough situation to warrant the destruction of a child's life. He said that he is not worried about his child as the woman is a good mother. He just has a desire to have a normal family in this life. So this man wants to get rid of the mother of his child, who is a good mother, and who demands sex every night? Curiouser and curiouser.

I informed him that his family is his daughter and told him of the many serious mental health risks that a child of a single mother is likely to face in life, and specifically that a female child who is unattended for the whole day might become a victim to some sexual predator. He said that his wife does not respect his mother. I asked him what he would do after his mother died. He became very upset again and started accusing me of not wishing his mother well. He also said that his wife once made a very bad statement about his late father.

This man's immaturity was beginning to depress me and I was starting to worry for his wife's mental health. On the other hand I was wondering whether this man was trolling me, because how could such an immature man keep a marriage alive for more than five years? I asked him to seek the advice of his genuine friends. He said that his best friend is advising him to file for divorce. I suggested that he ask this 'best' friend for a loan of one lakh rupees. He replied that the best friend had loaned him three lakh rupees interest free a couple of years ago when he needed money to start buying a residence, and was not demanding it back even now.

So this man has a family, a family home, a job which pays for his loans and lifestyle, a (pardon me for saying this) lusty and faithful wife, and he wants to end it all and fall into the clutches of the Indian judicial system? Perhaps he was lying about the interest free loan from his friend? Perhaps no such friend exists? A person with severe self-defeating personality disorder is fully capable of manufacturing lies to befuddle his well-wishers. He does so because he derives a masochistic satisfaction from derailing the train of logic being followed by anyone who is trying to dissuade him from sabotaging his own happiness. Further, he tries to get out of satisfying sexual relationships. The obsession with a dowry complaint in the unknown future was a further sign of a garbled mind. Was I in a conversation with such a man, a masochist? Or was he a liar trying to check my bona fide credentials for reasons best known to himself?

This was becoming depressing and I realised that this man will not take no for an answer. This is also common in this personality disorder. The mentally ill person oppresses his counsellors mentally if they do not agree with his self-destruction fantasies. I asked him about his mother's view. He said that she wants him to file for divorce. I exited the conversation with the remark that I would follow my mother's advice in such a matter regardless of the legal cost. He thanked me effervescently upon receiving confirmation of his destructive desire.

A part of this scenario is much more common than you would think. I have fielded calls and emails from a number of people who were convinced that they would face a complaint u/s 498a/406 at some point in the near future, without having theretofore received any threat or hint of a threat. All this writer can say to such people is do not spoil your health by worrying about imaginary future events.

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Published by Manish Udar

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Last updated on 16th January 2014
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