mehnat
.IN
"I am Unhappy Because My Wife Dumped Me and She Is Happy"
It happens to the best of us. Getting dumped is a rite of passage for some, and an all too familiar, uncomfortable "oops, it happened again" sensation for some. It can lead to feelings of "Hey, good riddance" in some people; while others may wallow in misery. A whole lot of us experience mixed emotions, and we hate 'our' women for dumping us, and we miss them at the same time –wanting them back in our beds, wanting to hear them say sweet nothings while they melt in our arms again in our sweet imaginations. It takes a whole lot of time before we heal and are ready for a new relationship again. We feel that it is unfair that she got out of the relationship without any pain.
A Cynical View of the Dynamics of Dumping/Being Dumped from the Male Perspective
It sometimes happens that a Brad Pitt springs an Angelina Jolie on a Jennifer Aniston, and goes on to create a happy family, and the dumped wife continues to struggle for years, unable to find closure in her emotions, or suffering due to the public sympathy/sarcasm phenomenon. While the foregoing is a rare event, a Kim Kardashian doing a Kanye West on a Kris Humphries is a much more common thing, and can be seen everyday around us. The Devdas syndrome is a common theme in literature across the world, not just because most writers have historically come from the male gender, but also because it is something that we all see around us all the time.
Do not take it personally. The battle is not you against your wife. The battle is you against all the men in the world who find your wife ****able. This is one of the ways in which the species works. It is a biological fact that a receptive female will find a host of male suitors ready to fertilise her and to compete with each other for the 'privilege' or the pleasure to do so. Witness the tens of thousands of facebook likes which sexually suggestive pages featuring women rustle up in short order, especially in sexually suppressed countries like India. Men have a whole lot of spermatozoa, with new ones coming up everyday, and they can potentially fertilise several women even within the span of one day. The instinct and the need are very powerful.
Women, on the other hand, have a limited store of eggs. On top of that –biologically speaking– they have to go through the pregnancy phase and the young child phase as a consequence of mating. She must mate with the best available male to make these phases as easy as possible. The judgement as to which male is the best available one is done by various females in various ways. Many of them choose the one who has the most females chasing after him. This is pure monkey-like imitative behaviour, called peer influence by some. Indeed many many females would prefer to spend a night of pleasure with a movie star than a year of stable companionship with a 'lesser' man.
The human species derives its impulses from many ancestors. In some species of primates it is fairly commonly seen that the female selects (or surrenders her sexual favours to) the strongest and the most dominant male, and that he has his choice of females, ready to please him sexually, and to bear his offspring for the successful continuation of the species. The weaker males –on the other hand– are often either unable to mate, or they are left with the less popular females. This can be seen in silverback gorillas, amongst whom the dominant male is a veritable ****-machine. He enjoys this until another male becomes stronger, and all the women go to that guy.
There are other species amongst primates where the tribal nature of society makes a more egalitarian situation for the male, and practically every male gets to have one female. It is sometimes observed that the male kills or attacks his female if she strays from the straight and narrow. Therefore the female resorts to dissembling to hide her unfaithfulness. Note that she still plays around. This can be seen in chimpanzees.
It is moot that the immediate availability of one or more members of the opposite sex is necessary to successfully dump the member of the opposite sex who is giving you a hard time, or to satisfy your sadistic instincts. Jealousy is a powerful emotion, and it is a futile effort to try to grow out of it. It is an emotion which is older than the very species to which you belong, and is hardwired into your DNA. It is a bonus for a dumper if the alternative lover/fool is more desirable than the dumpee, although this is not a necessary condition at all to ignite feelings of jealousy. As is usual in modern warfare, the first mover and the steadfast battler has an advantage. The female of the species is very often the first mover in finishing a relationship in this manner –bringing to mind Kipling's words:—
" So it comes that Man, the coward, when he gathers to confer
With his fellow-braves in council, dare not leave a place for her
Where, at war with Life and Conscience, he uplifts his erring hands
To some God of Abstract Justice—which no woman understands."
But Kipling is not totally pessimistic about the force of a man's manliness, and weighs the strengths of each side in this unwilled(?) war.
"And Man knows it! Knows, moreover, that the Woman that God gave him
Must command but may not govern—shall enthral but not enslave him.
And She knows, because She warns him, and Her instincts never fail,
That the Female of Her Species is more deadly than the Male. "
Remember the song "jhooth boley kauva kaatey"? In the primitive exchange between the husband and the wife in that song, the wife spars with her husband, only to surrender to him when he threatens to bring a second wife to his home in her absence. Since that era 40 years ago a lot of water has flowed under the bridge, and womancipation in most countries has reached a point where a woman that attractive would reply that instead of her parents' home she would head for Jamaica to have a good time alone or with a lover at Hedonism II.
Speaking of swinging, the 21st century western version of civilisation has led to many perversions like the now popular cuckold fantasy genre in 'literature', cinema, and the internet. This type of man –essentially speaking– kills his soul because society does not allow him to control his woman now. There is also the social layer of money-madness which makes rich men irresistible to women in terms of being the preferred daytime companion. She may or may not deem the same man her favourite lover, depending upon the degree of selfishness in her personality. Like most people we meet and hear about, women do such things because they can do them, or –to be more accurate– because they can get away with them.
It is also not your fault that you selected and mated with a female who was attractive enough to find another mate when she got fed up with you, or when she realised that she had a more desirable mate wanting to court her. You are biologically programmed to go after the most attractive female who is accessible to you, and the compulsions of modern society combine with her wiles to not let you seek out any other while she is with you. Moreover, your maleness has programmed you to chase, and she is programmed to entice.
You may also feel –with some justification– that she left you not for someone more handsome or more successful, but for someone who is a sycophant and just says what she wants to hear instead of the truth. Well this writer has got six words for you –the truth does not always help you, and the spite/revenge package is very sweet for a larger percentage of humans than Jesus would have been comfortable with. The clever and merciless player does not always respond at the time of being insulted, and does not always protest that she/he has suffered a slight. He/she just hits back with ten times the emotional brutality at a time and place of his/her choosing. It is reflective of a criminal mentality, I know, but what to do?
An Alternative, more Optimistic View of Being Dumped
In the poem extract earlier on in this article, Kipling quite surely did not know that he was referring to what would come to be known as the personality disordered narcissistic female homo sapiens. Narcissists are often able to successfully hurt people on an emotional level, but their victims can take comfort in the fact that the narcissist can never be happy, never ever. It is axiomatic.
Further, the narcissist does not usually attempt suicide at a young age, but a very very large percentage of this type ends her/his life himself after the age of 40. Their suicide attempts are much more lethal and likely to succeed than the suicide attempts of the borderline, the schizotypal, or the dependent personality type.
It is also worth mentioning that a lot of such individuals meet a gruesome end at the hand of other members of society. This latter phenomenon occurs at all ages. This does not mean that you have to take up the responsibility of becoming the one who finishes off your narcissistic spouse. Give her a long rope to hang herself with. You might feel today that nobody gives a **** about you, but nobody really gives a **** about her either, strictly speaking.
Also, did I say something above about a woman responding in kind to threats of being abandoned in favour of another woman? Well, I said that because threats are not very effective in these matters these days. Remember that jealousy cuts both ways, and equally strongly. You can make her miserable if that is your agenda (rightfully so, this writer may add). There are many ways to hurt her without making yourself a target for the police. You can succeed in such an effort to an extent where she will have you in her mind even if she is in bed with another man, even if he is the one for whom she left you.
Getting another woman and timing the events related to such acquisition for maximum effect is one of the ways to achieve this. Another is to succeed in your career. Another is to become more attractive physically. Stopping caring about this woman is yet another way. Then there is the well timed verbal insult. Contempt. Humiliation. Ad nauseam. All these ways are more effective if they are used in combination with one another and with the right timing. Remember the song 'your time is gonna come' if that is the sort of thing which convinces you, Thomas.
A Word of Advice for the Man who has been Dumped
Protesting has its place where a whole biologically vulnerable gender is either being victimised by laws like 498a, DV, or biased divorce laws or is sought to be put in an even more vulnerable position legally by an obsequious government and a glory-seeking judiciary. Social structures and norms which protect the rights of men are being dismantled nationally and globally, and it is correct to unite and struggle for justice.
At a personal level, don't try to argue with the dumper. Logic will not work with her or with her family. Move on and continue your search. There are indeed plenty of fish in the ocean; and nothing succeeds like success; and there is no better revenge than success. Getting boots for yourself is important. It is easier than carpeting the whole world.
You may wish to read an article about false accusations made by a narcissistic wife and/or another article about signs that your marriage is over and/or a letter to a narcissistic wife.