63 Signs that Your Marriage / Relationship is Finished
"To love is wonderful, but being loved is what it's all about." The Floaters
"The brighter the fires on the bridges behind you, the clearer the road ahead." Russian folk wisdom
Sometimes men are emotional fools and do not see what everybody else around them can see. Okay, let us modify this statement. Not just sometimes, but very often. This is even truer in the case of men who are married to narcissistic wives or are in relationships with narcissistic women. There are often very clear signs that a relationship is not working or that a marriage exists only on paper.
The fact that the man who is in the abusive relationship or marriage cannot see the abuse does not mean that the people around him cannot see it. There is, in fact, a common Russian saying that "the view is clearer from the side".
However, very often, people who claim to be friends and well-wishers are not really friends and well-wishers, and do not wish to help such men. The argument that they do not wish to hurt these men does not wash, as these men are already being hurt by the women who they love the most.
Many men in such situations end their lives because no help is forthcoming from the people around them. This writer is making an attempt to list out some of these signs here, in the hope that some such men will search for a solution to their problem on the internet, and a few lives may be saved.
It may be noted that this writer has very strong views on love and mutual respect, and his standards may be stricter than a number of other people or types of people. In addition, it must be mentioned that this writer has had relationships, but children have never been in the mix, so he does not know much about those relationships where children are present. Nevertheless, these rules have helped this writer to get out of bad emotional situations, and he hopes that they may be of some help to you, the reader, too.
Also worth mentioning is that many points in this list are not surefire indicators of a finished marriage even in the writer's opinion. It has been attempted to indicate such points within the text of this article, although some may have escaped attention. The writer is not a qualified relationship advisor, and these are simply some of his personal views which may or may not be of real value.
1) She does not give you her highest consideration – It is an Indian cliché that business letters have traditionally been ended with the salutation "assuring you of our highest consideration". In this writer's view, this is a necessary and sufficient condition for a marriage. If your wife does not put you in the first place, and gives more importance to other people or activities, then she is just having you along for your money or to please some people or to take revenge against you for some perceived emotional hurt.
2) She does not live with you – If you wife does not live with you for an extended period of time on any grounds whatsoever, the marriage is finished. It does not matter whether she is visiting her parents, or working in another city, or is upset with you, or is away on a trip or a tour of duty in which her stated return date is either too distant for your comfort or keeps getting postponed. Being married means living together. Otherwise it is just a facade for a marriage.
3) You don't know how to behave with her to avoid offending her – There are many men who are in relationships or marriages where their 'girlfriends' or 'wives' keep them in a confused state or keep shouting at them or hurting them emotionally as a response to what is perfectly normal behaviour (like calling her and saying "I love you"). These are dead marriages, and men should get out of such relationships as soon as possible to be able to search for a better and healthy relationship or marriage.
4) You hesitate to call her or to talk to her for fear of being shouted at or being ignored – If you find yourself in a situation where you are not able to talk to your wife NOT BECAUSE she is not reachable, but because you are afraid that she will hurt you or shout at you or simply ignore you, then you are in a dead marriage.
5) She gives priority to her career over you – If your wife says that she is too busy to allocate time to be with you in a quantity which is sufficient to keep your need for attention and love satisfied, then staying any longer in such a marriage is dangerous for your happiness and mental health. Remember, YOU are the one who is entitled to decide how much attention and love and time together you need. It does not matter if she is a neurosurgeon in a metropolitan trauma unit or a chief minister. If your need for time together is not being met, then it is time to look for other options.
6) She has friends who you do not like at all – If your wife has one or more close friends who you do not like, and she keeps them in the face of your opposition, then it is a deal-breaker.
7) You suspect her – Remember, your happiness is in your mind, a calm and satisfied mind, and not in some debate about what is true and what is not. If you find yourself suspecting her actions and behaviour, then seek help from a professional psychiatrist. A good one will not take more than 15 minutes to tell you whether your suspicions reveal a mental problem or they are the normal conclusions of a healthy mind. If your psychiatrist tells you that your suspicions are not unreasonable, then it is time to call it a day with your wife, for the sake of your own sanity. Remember though that the psychiatrist will tell you that he cannot tell you what the truth about your wife is. But he can tell you whether your suspicions are the work of a healthy mind.
8) She keeps you out of her social circle – If your wife or girlfriend does not introduce you to her friends, or does not take you with her to meet her friends or relatives, or does not invite her relatives on your wedding or to meet you, then it would be correct to deduce that she suffers from some complexes. You are in an emotionally unsatisfying, dead marriage.
9) She insults you – The three strikes rule does not apply in this situation. If she treats you with contempt even once, show her the door, or walk out the door yourself. It is one thing to love and honour your wife, but if she insults you then she is not your wife, no matter what your passport says. You may also consider filing charges against her under section 504 of the Indian Penal Code (Intentional insult with intent to provoke breach of the peace) if her insults turn into a pattern of behaviour. This section is also useful against trolls and online harassment after section 66a of the IT Act was rendered null and void by an SC judgment.
10) She ignores or avoids you – If your wife or girlfriend ignores you in social situations, or in any other setting; or if she avoids seeing you or meeting you, and there is no explanation which satisfies you, or there is no explanation forthcoming from her; AND this has happened a sufficient number of times to traumatise you (see point number 9 for a hint), then it is time to call it a day.
11) She does not pick up the phone or return your calls – If your wife or girlfriend (on a regular or a sustained basis OR for a number of times which is sufficient to put you in distress) does not pick up your phone, or she does not call back after you give her a couple of missed calls, and this is hurting you, then you are in an unhappy marriage –a dead marriage, in other words.
12) You are the one who is initiating all the interactions – If you are the one who keeps calling her, and she never calls you, or if you are the one who makes plans to be together, and she never does this, then you have to do a rethink about your future together.
13) You keep telling yourself that things will improve – If you keep telling yourself that things will improve if you persevere, and this is happening every day now for a long enough time to traumatise you, then it is time to pack up. Things will not improve, period.
14) You are the one who always apologises – If you are the one who has to apologise in all situations, regardless of whose fault it is, then you need to get out of this marriage.
15) Apologising is not in her dictionary – She says that she does not apologise. This writer's ex-wife once said, "Agar main maafi maang loongi toh main apne baap ki beti nahin." (if I apologise then I am not my father's daughter.) If 'sorry' is becoming a harder word for you to say than it used to be because of her refusal to reciprocate, you need to re-evaluate your decision to stay married to this woman.
16) The "We" has gone out of the relationship, or it never came into the relationship – She does not treat the two of you as one unit, or as equals.
17) I love her but I don't like her – If this is your situation, then you need to visit a psychiatrist AND to get out of this marriage.
18) I am waiting for the day when she will say that she loves me, then I will insult her – This is a fruitless and extremely painful pursuit. It is not good advice to tell you in such a situation to cut your losses and move on. Actually you need to urgently seek a psychiatrist's help in such a situation, get some emotional support, and THEN cut your losses and move on.
19) I have a girl on the side who lets me treat her the way I want to, but the woman who I call my wife/girlfriend is my main squeeze, though she treats me like sh** – You need help, immediate and urgent. You are playing with two lives here. Get out of the chain of pain immediately. The girl who you think you have on the side is the one who you can start to call your girl if you start treating her with respect. Your girlfriend is not your girlfriend. There is no main scene here, so there cannot be one on "the side". Further, when you grow more evolved you will realise that there never is one on the side. Ask Prince Charles.
20) She is not there during your struggle – Your wife / girlfriend tells you that you need to become successful for her to start loving you or taking you seriously. Do an MGTOW on her and the rest of them, and come back when you have made it. Or find a woman who will love you as you are. Better a 5 who loves you than a 9 who treats you like dirt. Or as sometimes happens, better a 7 who loves you (the 9 won't, take it from me) than a 5 who treats you like dirt.
21) Your in-laws are not inviting you to their home – A genuine mother-in-law is like your own mother. Ditto for a genuine father-in-law. If your wife's parents are not inviting you to their home, you need to get the signal. IT IS A LOUD AND CLEAR SIGNAL FOR MOST OF US, BUT YOU CANNOT READ IT. HELLO, IS THERE ANYBODY IN THERE?
22) She has filed charges against you in court or with the police – Do not try to look for love in a situation where your wife is trying to hurt you financially, or to harass you legally, or to put you and/or your family in jail. If you see some hidden motive (including -but not limited to- a mistaken belief that she has a desire to punish you because she loves you) and not a genuine desire to hurt you in such actions from her side, then you need to visit a psychiatrist, urgently. This is indicative of Borderline Personality Disorder or worse. This is a complex topic which will be broached in another article on this site in due course.
23) She lies to you – If your wife lies to you in situations where such lies are not necessary to avoid hurting your feelings, then you need to stop calling her your wife.
24) She tells everybody or someone that she is single – Does she have a facebook 'single' or 'its complicated' status? Have you come to know from reliable sources that she told someone that she is single or separated from you, while you are still 'together'?
25) The two of you are separated – If the two of you are separated, you might as well start the countdown to your divorce. Very few relationships or marriages survive separation in modern times. Very few. Yours is not one of them unless some people who you KNOW to be wise, and who you KNOW to be your well-wishers tell you (while giving compelling justification) that it is one of those marriages.
26) You have a long-distance marriage – It does not matter if you think that you have a long-distance marriage only temporarily. Also, it does not matter whether you are in different continents or different suburbs. Long distance does not work. To say that long-distance relationships work in a liberal society is like saying that cheating works.
27) She is in a glamorous field of employment and you are not, and she has got very little time for you – No no. No. No.
28) You are in a glamorous field of employment and she is not – See point 27 above. You don't need to tell this writer that you have got very little time for her.
29) She could see your income or your wealth in the matrimonial or dating website or newspaper or personal ad before she initiated contact with you, or agreed to your proposal, and your income or wealth as shown in that website or newspaper or personal ad was high, and you are very fat, and she is gorgeous – This is not an indicator of a dead marriage per se, but it is not a good beginning. Not good at all.
30) She knew you were very well off before she initiated contact with you, or agreed to your proposal, and you are very fat, and she is gorgeous – Much like point number 29 above.
31) You are very fat, and she is gorgeous – Not a healthy sign. See point 29 above. Actually this will not happen unless the condition which is mentioned in the title of point number 30 is also met in addition to the circumstances mentioned in the title of this point.
32) She says that if you don't hurt people, people will hurt you – If she says this, you need to move away from her, far away. If she does not say this but her actions reflect this belief, she is even more dangerous for your happiness / mental health.
33) She keeps you under her thumb – Even if you feel that such a situation is acceptable, just because she gives you pity sex sometimes, it is not. In fact, if you feel this way, then you need urgent psychiatric help. This is Stockholm Syndrome, an indicator of Self Defeating Personality Disorder.
34) She demands that you treat her with respect, while showing no respect for your feelings – Two can play this game. If she feels that she has the right to reject you even after having married you, you need to first develop the idea in your mind that you have the right to reject her if she does not meet your emotional and physical needs, and then implement this idea.
35) She says that she needs her space, or that she needs space, period – This is the atom bomb of relationships / marriages.
36) She accuses you of not respecting her boundaries – Then why is she with you? Even the existence of language such as this shows the desire to have a limited marriage –a thing which cannot exist in the particular space-time continuum where we are located. Such talk can be permitted at the stage of acquaintance, not after marriage.
37) She told you that she cheated on you – This is another atom bomb. Nothing can survive this.
38) You found out that she cheated on you – Unless your spouse is a President and you want to become Secretary of State at some point in the future, there is no need to accept such treatment.
39) You don't know where she works – This is not an acceptable situation. This is the end of your role as her husband.
40) You don't know her telephone number – Things should not have needed to reach this stage for you to wake up, but sh** happens sometimes. Now is a good time to opt out of this 'marriage'.
41) You don't know where she lives – She moved out and you don't know where she lives? Apply for divorce immediately.
42) She calls and/or texts unknown persons – She calls and texts unknown persons, and/or receives communications from such persons. This writer's ex used to do half of this past midnight in their marital bed.
43) You haven't had sex for some time, and the reason is that she does not want to have sex, but she does not have a convincing reason why – Sex is essential for marriage. If you are both healthy and sex is not happening, you need to be satisfied by her explanation or to take measures to find a better situation. Don't wait for many weeks or months to make this decision.
44) She says that she enjoys hurting you – She says that she needs to keep you on your toes for you to love her. This is extreme narcissism.
45) You feel that she enjoys hurting you – You feel or suspect that she is using you as a target for her sadistic nature.
45) She says that she wants you to play 'patience' – She says that you should leave her alone for some time and she will get back in the mood to love you. Refuse to play this game. Opting out is not incorrect here.
46) She says that you made the decision to spoil relations with her, and that there is no going back – The thing here is that going back is in her hands. If you are asking her to come back to normal, then all she has to do is agree to your request. Since she is saying that something which is entirely in her hands is actually not in her hands, you need to drop her. This goes beyond Narcissistic Personality Disorder into the realm of criminal behaviour.
47) She denies sex to get her way – This is a deal-breaker. Men can't live happy lives without good, unconditional, and plentiful sex. The whole marriage system and the global sex industry are based on this fact.
48) She says that the two of you have no connection – His ex once told this writer this thing. He nearly fell off the bed laughing.
49) She says that the two of you have nothing or very little in common – See point number 48.
50) She is unconcerned and/or hostile towards your parents - Walk out and/or kick her out.
51) She is very religious – Let her find happiness in divine love.
52) She says that she feels that sex is dirty and should only be engaged in to procreate She might be pretending to hate sex and actually be seeing another man. Also worth mentioning is the following quote made by Woody Allen once, "Sex is not always dirty. Only if it's done right." 'Nuff said.
53) She cannot stay at home for even half a day – She needs to go shopping or to restaurants or to see movies every day. You married her without checking these things and now you cannot afford her.
54) She says "Your money is my money, my money is my money" – Get thee hence, you avaricious female canine!
55) You are apologizing but she is not willing to let bygones be bygones – This is not okay. Not okay at all. This is terrible. Pure vengeful behaviour which shows that there is a very high probability that it was she -and not you- who was responsible for the past fights.
56) It's all about her She has to be pleased, placated, invoked, invited, satisfied, satiated, propitiated. Your needs are not important at all. Get out of this marriage NOW.
57) She says let us meet other people She is already seeing somebody else if she says such a thing. She has already cuckolded you.
58) She asks "What made you marry me?" This means that she is actually asking you "What can you tell me which I can hold against you in a court of law?"
59) You feel that she is manipulating you – You feel that she plays games to get you to behave the way that she wants you to.
60) She says that she likes to flirt with other men OR actually does flirt with another man in front of you or somebody who is close to you – This is not done in a marriage. Her place is in a madhouse, not in a marriage.
61) She excludes you from her activities – If she does not let you participate in any activity in which you would like to be with her, the marriage risks becoming full of resentment. You may profess your faith in her to the world and even to yourself, but can you control all the primal fears and suspicions in the tiny crevices of your mind?
62) You have mixed emotions about her – You have very strong mixed emotions about her. "You're not the only one with mixed emotions. You're not the only ship adrift on this ocean." Rolling Stones
63) Hard feelings – I hope this won't turn into a cut paste page for American bands. "I've got hard feelings. When it comes to you and me. And these hard feelings. Just won't let me be. These hard feelings run deep. These hard feelings run deep." Fleetwood Mac
You may wish to read an article about false accusations made by a narcissistic wife and/or another article with questions for a narcissistic wife and/or an article about dealing with being dumped by a narcissistic wife.
Written by Manish Udar
Published by Manish Udar
Page created on 1st August 2013
Last updated on 03rd December 2015